I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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