Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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