I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
