theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
