i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
