So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
