You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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