The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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