I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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