fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
