I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
