he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
