I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I would fuck him just for his dog
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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