Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
