That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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