just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
