Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
