...so i touched it.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
