what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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