a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
