Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
