Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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