You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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