update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
