that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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