You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
