dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
