I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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