I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
