shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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