And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
