she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
