i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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