he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
