I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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