and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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