I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
