I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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