textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I want to fling myself into the sun
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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