well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
