Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
