my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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