I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
