I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
