True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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