They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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