last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
