i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
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I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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