Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
