My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
