I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
