Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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