After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
