I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
