I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
