All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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