Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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