So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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