i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
