The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
